Snacks | Posted January 10, 2013
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Start boiling your "hell of a lot of water", so that you can commit genocide on all those germs sitting on your jars. Yes, YOUR jars. Those bastards came in and started squatting without paying rent or anything! You've got rights man!
Deseed all the peppers and roughly chop them. Make your lazy food processor, who just sits there 95% of the time, do some of the work here. Toss all the peppers in the food processor and make them tiny. If the food processor complains, tell it that you've been eyeing that new Cuisinart 11cup processor at the store and any more lip will mean a one way trip to the dump via the trash bag with all the diapers.
Be careful when you pull the lid off the processed peppers, your mouthy processor has a nasty treat waiting for you. All the capsaicin is now airborne and without warning, you'll get pepper sprayed. At least that's what my processor did to me. I said that was the last straw, it said, "You shouldn't have stuck your stupid face right in under the lid, you idiot".
Get a big pot for your stove top, the one that you make spaghetti noodles in will work great. Your pot is going to be super confused by what you're about to do, just tell it "Shhhh... It's ok, you'll be ok here in just a minute". And it will, be ok that is.
Start up the stove top to medium high heat, pour in all the peppers. This is when the shusshing comes in, that stuff's spicy and your noodle pot won't know what hit it.
At this point, you're just showing the peppers who the boss is, warming them up just to the point where they start to sweat. You're getting all that delicious capsaicin to release - that's the good stuff baby.
Around now you're going to want to grow a third arm so you can start putting jars into your boiling water. This is super important, because no one likes a squatter (see above). Oh, and those squatters cause botulism, but not the kind that makes your face all plasticky. The kind that poisons you and kills you - assholes, right!?
Now, follow the directions on one of the pectin packets. You'll put the sugar in like it's a single recipe, but then go ahead and put the second pectin gel thingy in the pot. Once the sugar is in, your pot will feel much better. Frankly, who doesn't like all that sweetness?
Start pulling jars out of the boiling water, I suggest pulling them all out at once since that's what Alton Brown does on his show and that guy's a freaking genius. Use a funnel and a ladle to put the jelly liquid into the jars. I would probably use the ladle to pour through the funnel, but that's up to you really. Make sure you don't fill the jars all the way to the top, leave about 1/4" at least.
Put the lids on the jars, put the rings on the lids, hand tight - NOT SUPERMAN TIGHT for Bob's sake. You want that air to escape in the hot tub (oh yeah, keep the jar water boiling...). Now, put your jars back into the jar-hot-tub one at a time, unless you're hardcore and can stand the boiling water against your weak human flesh. Boil the jars for 5-10 minutes, pull them out and let them cool on the counter or in your pantry.
Pro tip: If you've ever made jello with fruit in it, you remember that the fruit will defy all logic and float to the top. Yeah, your peppers will do the same thing. Maybe a couple hours in to the cooling phase or so, flip your jars and let them cool all the way down. This should help to spread those peppers around.
Pro Tip 2: Oh, and when they're cool, take the rings off the jars. The lids will stay in place and if they don't, at least this way you'll know and won't eat that jelly. Remember botulism, that poison that kills you? If it's there, the flat part of the lid will pop off while your jelly is in the pantry. If the ring is there, you might get a surprise later. This is a surprise you don't want. Happy thoughts!
To Serve: Slather a whole bunch of it on top of a block of cream cheese and eat with delicious crackers. Or a spoon. Whatever works for you.